Too Wild Orchids is here to unshame sex, praise penises and glorify vaginas. Nothing is off limits and all your questions are always anonymous.

Q: Hi Seanlai, I love the show and look forward to new episodes each week.  Here’s the deal, I really love my girlfriend.  I know she loves me too.

But there is literally no passion between us.  I’ve tried to get her to listen to your show. I’ve bought books, I’ve talked to her. I’ve tried just doing things. I’ve tried asking for things. I’ve tried demanding. I’ve tried writing her stories and dirty texts. It’s all met with the same anxiety and “I’m not enough for you, why can’t we just have “normal sex”.   

I need passion, foreplay, sexiness, desire, and a little humor. Her idea is to lay in bed naked playing on her phone and say something like, “so do you you want me or what?”

A:  Thank you so much for the question.   It’s hard for me to know 100% where she’s coming from but after working with so many couples,  I can tell you with absolute certainty that both men and women complain about the same things when it comes to sex; particularly when they’re in a long-term relationship.

Passion doesn’t just die and breakups don’t just happen.  In the beginning you were unfamiliar to each other.  That unfamiliarity is called the space in between.  It’s the fuel that drives passion.

Remember how hot it was in the early years when you were learning each other’s bodies?  Remember how it felt as you figured out what pushed your buttons, and heard  the unfamiliar sounds you both make when you made love.

That’s passion.  That’s the space between.  That’s crucial for long term success.

Then you got to know each other, you got more comfortable and, like everyone else, more critical.

Resentments, unspoken arguments, life pressures, all of those are silent passion killers.

This issue comes up in a thousand different ways at my couples retreats and in my coaching practice but the #1 thing women crave in long term relationships is safety.

Women have to feel safe in order to feel passion.  Women have to feel safe in order to feel adventurous.  Women have to feel safe to feel desire.

It seems counter-intuitive that there would be more passion and sexual risk taking in an unfamiliar relationship but there are less feelings involved when it’s new and not permanent.

It’s easy to feel frisky and safe when we aren’t in danger of having our heart broke. But when love, family and stability are on the table the game is changed.

Imagine you are in a tug of war.  There’s a long rope between you and you’re both pulling on it as hard as you can.  That’s your relationship.  You are in a classic power-struggle.

But in a tug of war, there’s a winner and a loser.  In a relationship if there’s a winner and a loser there are really two losers.

The only way to get out of this dangerous game is for you to let go of the rope.

I don’t mean leave the relationship.  I mean let go of the struggle.

You have to start taking care of the only relationship that really and truly matters and that is the one between you and you.

Remember when I said that unfamiliarity and the space in between was the fire that drives passion?

Get unfamiliar.  Start finding activities to fill your time. Meditate. Learn a new language. Take up hobbies that interest you.  Get to know you better.

Create healthy distance between you and her and three things will happen:

  • You will stop feeling so resentful
  • She will stop feeling pressured which will give her the space she needs to relax and feel safe again.
  • You will become less familiar to her which will make her more passionate with you.

You are not responsible for her happiness or her unhappiness and she is not responsible for yours.

No matter what happens, the only person you have to wake up with every day is you.  Cherish that relationship above all others and watch as everything else in your life becomes filled with love, joy and the passion you deserve.

Seanlai 

The Princess Bride is a great example of what it takes to be the best in bed.

Are you picking up what your bae wants?  Are you scratching the right itch? Are they getting it done for you?  If you’re not seriously, blissfully, sensually, satisfied, then keep reading. 

Maybe you’re not leaving each other breathless because you learned one way to knock boots and they know another way.  What if it’s as simple as you speak different sexual love languages?

For Example: Is it Acts of Service if you go down on your lover or is it Quality Time?

The 5 Love Languages. But, so you know, the 5 love languages are:

  1.  Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch

So, if you’re saying “Make love to me baby” but they are waiting for you to bend them over, put a jeweled butt plug in them so you can take them out to dinner; then your night of fun can turn into a not so fun game of  “you just don’t get me!”

But you’re not just any ordinary lover!  You know you’ve got what it takes to  be the best lover (s)he’s ever had!  It’s just a matter of learning what yours and your lover’s sexual language is, and then sexily share the deets!

Being in love and knowing how to make love are two totally different things.

Knowing how to make love and how to set the sheets on fucking fire is a completely different skill set.

If you want fire, passion and the satisfaction of hearing them beg you for more then check out this week’s Too Wild Orchids podcast episode “Tell me the way I’m riding you feels good…”  Then get in the Facebook Group and tell us how you made your baby burn.

Until Next Time, 

Stay Sexy and be the best in bed.

What do building relationships, excellent communication, and team-building have in common?

If you do these things well, they will they will exponentially grow your professional life.

At work, you aren’t afraid to ask for what you want at work.  You show up for ‘mandatory fun’.  You communicate endlessly via email and meetings.

There’s so much emphasis on work life balance, but who are you after 5:00?

I have an attorney client who is intelligent and well-spoken.  He’s  open about sex, his desire for excitement, and his need for variety.  So why does he clam up when he and his wife talk about sex?

Because people are people, and everybody’s scared.

Every problem can be boiled down to one statement: I am not good enough and now I’m afraid I won’t be loved. 

Don’t believe me?

  1. “I lost my job” Now my wife will know that I am not a good provider. She’s going to go home to her parents because ‘I am not good enough’ and now I’m afraid I won’t be loved.
  2. “I’m declaring bankruptcy” I can’t tell my family because they will say I’m a failure. Clearly ‘I am not good enough’ and now I’m afraid I won’t be loved.
  3. “I’m fat” My partner will find someone skinnier because I am not good enough and I’m afraid I won’t be loved.
  4. “Sex is boring” My wife is unsatisfied and it’s my fault. She will find someone else and leave me for him because ‘I am not good enough’ and now I’m afraid I won’t be loved.
  5. “He wants an open relationship” I’m not enough for my husband. He’s going to have sex with her and leave me because ‘I am not good enough’ and now I’m afraid I won’t be loved.

Everyone has the same fears, the same insecurities and the same opportunities.

At work you’re a Rockstar.  You know your job, you do it well, and you usually get what you want.

Why is that?  Because you went to school, and/or you got trained.  Making money mattered so you took a leap and figured it out.

How much schooling or training did you get for your sex life?  #PornsNotReal

How did your parents do teaching you about healthy relationships?

Who taught them how to be sexy? Who taught you how to ask for what you want?

If you said no one, congratulations you’re in the majority!

 

You’re a grown-up.  It’s time to treat your personal life with the same attention to detail you do at work.

Conversations about sex is not shameful.  Sex is a natural fun part of life.  It’s meant to be explored and enjoyed.

If you are like my client and afraid you’ll be judged, check yourself. Your fear isn’t about them.  And unless you are a mind-reader, you don’t really know what they think or how they feel.

Sex allows you to be as close to other humans as possible.  You’re naked, vulnerable and beautiful.

Single people: You lucky ones get to figure you out when no one is around.  Then when you are in a relationship, you get to be a patient and loving teacher.

Partnered people: ‘Training’ your lover on the best ways to arouse you is a joy. Treating them well enough so they stay is a privilege.

Research shows that the more sexually satisfied you are the more successful you become. 

So here’s a hot new business idea.  Bring the communicative, problem-solving-you home and watch how every part of your life increases in value.

Until Next Time, 

Stay Sexy and bring your A GAME home.

The importance of sex in a relationship is hardly a mystery to our fans . But, a new study shows that 50% of women and 30% percent of men are unhappy in their sex life.

WHAT?! If this is you, take comfort that you’re not alone.

The way to a better sex life can be found in your relationship with your body, your beliefs about who you are sexually and what you want.

Did you notice I did not say your sexual happiness lies in your partner’s lap?

I coach people as they go from monogamy to non-monogamy.  The importance of sex in a relationship can’t be discounted. One thing I see repeatedly is sex is a non-issue until there’s a lack of sex, then it’s the only issue.

Blame is easy:

  • Not Sexually Attracted: “She/he let himself go, she/he used to be so hot!”
  • Sexless Marriage/Relationship: “Ever since we had the kids, I don’t think of her that way anymore.”
  • Low Sex Drive: “She/he doesn’t want me!”
  • I’m calling bullshit.  Is it true? Absolutely.
  • Is your partner the problem?  No.
  • Are you the problem?  Yes.

You can’t change your sex life by blaming them for what they are doing or not doing.

If you’re not having enough sex, enough kinky sex, enough marathon sex, enough orgasmic sex, who’s responsible? And what’s your definition of ‘enough’?

Fear of rejection runs deep.  As a result, clients often confess the thought of telling their partner how they really feel and what they really want is terrifying.  And, it only gets scarier when you add sexual shame on to years of unmet expectations and old resentments.

For example, if my female client can’t orgasm through penetrative sex with her (male) partner she will say things like:

She is bad in bed. She hates her body. She overthinks and can’t relax.   Or it’s his fault: “My ex could make me cum and he can’t.”

Guys want to know how to get better in bed, too.  Likewise, they have almost the same insecurities and resentments.

He think he cums too quick.  Or the sex is boring, so he feels like a  failure.  Or it’s her fault: “Nothing makes her happy and she is not interested in me sexually”.

It’s time for you to take back control of your sex life.  

Your orgasms don’t belong to anyone else.  So stop giving someone the blame or the credit.  No one can make you feel anything and no one can make you cum.

Cumming too quick? Click Here to Get Control Fast

Whether you are in a monogamous relationship, an open one, or getting divorced,  you bring you to every relationship.

Get out a piece of paper and answer these questions:

  •       What do I like?
  •       What do I want? (If this starts with my partner needs to, should do, should want etc. you’re giving up your power, start over.)
  •      In what ways am I unhappy with myself or my body and using them as an excuse?
  •       Do I feel rejected by them? (If the answer here is yes), ask: Why am I rejecting myself?
  •       What’s my part? How have I contributed to this? (This one might take a minute). 

Then, take out another piece of paper and ask: 

  •       If we were meeting for the first time, what would my expectations be? (nothing, that’s why new people are appealing.)
  •       What do I need to do (for me) so I can be happy no matter who I am with?  (This one is going to be the hardest one of all). 

Once you are done, you will know what needs to change.  Happiness is an inside job, so you do you.

Until Next Time, 

Stay Sexy and get your needs met.

Hot, steamy, rocking sex is more than mouths, hands and genitals.   Mind-blowing, Rocking Sex is created first in the mind, then in the environment, and then in the body.

If you’re reading this, you probably are already a subscriber  to our Podcast and you are most likely one of our fun friends in our Facebook group.  If not, click the links to subscribe and join the fun!

That being said, I am sure you have a pretty good idea on what to do when you’re in bed.  But what happens before you get naked?  Many people forget this crucial step, that’s why I made this for you.

7 Secrets to Rocking Sex:

1. You’ve got it, now flaunt it.

Don’t be shy! Your partner has already seen you naked.  If it’s your first time with a new lover, they already think you’re delicious or they wouldn’t be doing the horizontal mambo with you.

2. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear.  

You can’t feel confident if you aren’t looking or feeling your best.  So, get your hair done. Shave all your parts (sexspecially down there)! Get a facial, a mani-pedi, and/or a massage.  Take care of you so you can bring your ‘A’ game.  (Guys, this goes for you, too!)

3. Get daily turn-ons with Seanlai and Lindsey! 

Enable your Alexa/Google Home to hear their skill: SEX UnShamed for daily tips. Low Sex Drive? You Need Vita-Flux!

4. Go lingerie shopping together or surprise your lover.

A word of caution, make sure your purchase turns your lover on too!  It doesn’t have to be lacy and see-thru.  A client of mine gets so turned on when his lover puts on a plain white t-shirt and sexy panties.  Learn what arouses you both.

5. Set the mood. 

Sex often happens in the dark and that means you can miss out on some great opportunities to explore.  I have a laser light that looks like the night sky that I turn on before every sexy session.  The one in the picture is the one I’ve been using for 6  years.

 6. Be ready for anything! 

Create a toy box, or bag that you can get to easily during sex.  Make sure vibrators, dildos etc are clean and charged.  Keep lube on top.  Seanlai and Lindsey are big fans of Organic Aloe Lube by Promescent.  But whatever brand you use, keep it handy!

7. Be open to anything! 

No matter how long you’ve been with someone I PROMISE you there are things they haven’t told you about what they would like to do (or do again).  Maybe you haven’t given them your whole play book either, when would NOW be a good time to try something new?

What are some other things that you do to make sex extra spicy?  Get in the comments and let us know!

Click Here to go ALL night long

Until Next Time, 

Stay Sexy and Rock their World!.

Sex Question: My husband has been hooked on porn since he was a young boy. I feel like that affects his expectations of our sex life.  I often find myself trying to conform to what he needs/wants? Is this bad?

Sex Question: How do I help my wife who doesn’t feel like having sex anymore? (She has a lot of excuses: she’s tired, she’s not in the mood, it’s just another thing on her to-do list. ) And, I have a high libido and I want her all the time.

Sex Question: Is anal sex between husband and wife ok ?

As a listener of the  to my Podcasts, you know our mission is to Unshame Sex and we are the place that you come for sex and fun.

That’s never going to change.

But we get sex questions like the ones above  every. single. day.

Sexual shame translates into insecurity and shame in many other places in your life.  If you are insecure about your body it matters in the bedroom.

If you are feeling shame about your desires or your partner’s desires it will directly impact your relationship.

If your parents taught you that sex was dirty or wrong then how can you ever feel sexy and embrace your true nature?

Well we have Good news for you and your sex questions!

SEX UnShamed was made for you!!

We know when you send your sex questions in they feel urgent and important to you.

So our new show SEX UnShamed is a daily show and wait for it… it’s also  An ALEXA SKILL!

Don’t worry if you don’t have an Alexa, you can listen to SEX UnShamed the same way you listen to Too Wild Orchids (Apple, Spotify etc.)

We want you to join us as we answer your specific sex questions, and the questions of thousands of other people. The sexual revolution is upon us!

Struggling with your libido?  Get VitaFlux Today

And it’s filled with people just like you, who are doing what’s necessary to have the relationship and sex life they dream of.  Click the link and join us as we UnShame SEX together.

Until Next Time,
Stay Sexy and Kiss Shame Goodbye!